I type a sentence. My three-year-old daughter brings her princess dress over to me and asks me to put it on her. Happy in her gown, she saunters off to find a prince at the bottom of her toy box. I type another sentence. She’s back. This time she wants me to put a puzzle together with her.
“How about if you sit right there on the floor next to mommy and try to do it all by yourself. I’ll help you if you get stuck,” I tell her.
Parked at my feet, she works through her puzzle singing a song she learned at preschool. I stare blankly at my screen, filled with both annoyance at my inability to sustain my earlier sense of inspiration and guilt for not sitting on the floor next to her.
Adrienne Rich abandoned her poetry for a long time in the early years of her marriage, raising young children. Sylvia Plath suffered. Even Virginia Woolf, who never had children, struggled to find her place in art. I’m certainly not putting myself in league with these women, other than in a place of understanding. There are days that I envy women who seem enraptured by motherhood, to whom motherhood is an art—their only art. Their world spins around domesticity, not words. How nice it must feel, I often think, to be so focused.
There are essays I need to write, I tell myself almost daily, about this struggle I feel. I’ll get around to it one day and cause a revolution. Until that day arrives, luckily there are women who have already started to write their way out of bondage, and Mamaphonic is a collection of their words.
It’s not just a book about writers, but a collection of essays written by women attempting to balance (as if on a tight-rope) motherhood and art from a variety of fields, such as music, dance, and visual art.
In her essay, “Spaced Out,” Dewi Faulkner recalls her journey as a writer and mother from her beginning cramped in a tiny apartment, when “it made sense that I had to use the space under my desk if I needed to get in a little writing time.”
Later, after moving into a larger space where there are actual rooms she can retreat to in privacy, she says “I call myself a writer, even though secretly I fear I’m a spoiled housewife with an expensive hobby. I try to think like an artist, but I’m not very good at it. Sometimes thinking like an artist feels diametrically opposed to thinking like a mother.”
Rose Adams writes about being temporarily separated from her son while she takes a drawing class in Florence:
My lines that day shy,
My stomach and hand still moving in circles.
Later, alone, taking a cab north,
I discover the large playground
with a carousel spinning around
and around that my son searched for the whole week
when he was here.
Fiona Thompson admits “I didn’t get enough hours of work in for the day. I don’t have the energy to make dinner. The house is a fucking sty. I have dozens of phone calls to return. I just got a notice that I bounced another check. I think our house has rats again. I can’t find my date book so I have no idea if I missed any appointments today.”
Other women in the collection manage to blend their art with motherhood, such as Ayun Halliday, creator of The East Village Inky, a hand drawn and written magazine that captures mothering in her neighborhood. After an afternoon outing with her baby, she says, “I raced back to our 340-square-foot apartment, eager to reunite with the paper and marker. I scribbled furiously while she slept, as if the public was starving for want of our published adventures.”
After reading these women’s stories, I’m not sure I feel any better about the struggle that women like us face. It’s reassuring to know that I’m not alone out there, or in here, caved at my desk, yet I wish I could have found The Answer. By sheer design women are built to carry this burden, this diametric weight, if you’re a women who happens to need to create not only life, but art. Nevertheless, I highly recommend this book. It’s a great read, chock full of humor, frustration, and love.